I Love You Baranam

Time heals, but time alone cannot heal. You must use that time to heal yourself and lean on the help and support of others. It might take years to truly restore your emotional wellbeing, but you can be assured one thing: it will get easier. 

There are a lot of people sharing the pain as you feel and sharing may be really helpful to cope with it.

My dearest one, I may don’t exactly Dark Konam what you are going through but people who experienced it can share things that may help you.

So please read the stories. I hope it can help you the way psychologists believe it will.

I LOVE YOU WITH All MY HEART.

Behrouz and her one and only, Baran

Lindsay and her father Tom

Can you tell your story, please?

I became a suicide survivor on July 27, 2011, when my Dad, Tom, decided to end his life. He rode his bike down the block to a park and shot himself. It still feels weird saying that out loud, let alone reading my words back that I just typed out on this computer screen.

My husband and I were returning from dinner when I received a call from my younger brother. I remember him asking me if my husband was in the car, and after I said “yes”, he replied with “Dad’s dead”—it was so matter of a fact. I don’t think my brother was crying either, I think we were both too shocked.

Somehow my husband and I were able to pack some belongings, drive 45 minutes outside of Chicago to my parent’s home that I grew up in. I remember pulling up into the driveway and seeing TONS of neighbors waiting for us to arrive. I get out of the car and hug my brother, talk with our Pastor and then to talked in private to the police officers who confirmed my Dad shot himself. The rest of that night and the weekend was a blur: people stopping by the house, trying to piece together what the hell just happened. Not only was I trying to piece together why my Dad took his life, but everyone else who knew and loved him were looking to me for answers…answers I did not, and still don’t have.

How to go on?

First month was horrible..! It’s a blur but I for sure cried myself to sleep every night. people had no idea what we were going through but the truth is you will go through; it just needs some time.

What I can advise your girlfriend is to talk about it. The more you talk the more you feel free and safe. Find someone who won’t make you feel weird talking about your lost one someone who makes you feel normal remembering your lost one or reliving your memories.

Last words?

It will pass, I promise. The pain will fade away and it will replace with memories.

I wish you the best, I’m with you

Lindsay Wiliam

Madison and her Mom, Kathy

Can you share your story, please?

It was a while my mom had anxiety. She became this woman none of us recognize. I always would be with her talking watching movies going to her family with her. One day I went out with my friends and when I came back saw her on her bed and thought she was asleep. went to my bed and the next morning my brother woke me up crying and mumbling. I woke up worried and followed him to my parent’s room seeing her the same way I saw her last night.

She overdosed on pills.

I never forgave myself. Thinking a lot of what ifs.  What if I didn’t go out. Was she alive when I came back? What if there was still a chance to save her when I thought she was asleep? Why on earth would I go out on that night? What if she just needed to talk to me that night and didn’t find me… They are a lot

I still think about them.

I wish she was here with me while I’m writing this story.

How to go on?

About a month after I lost her, my friend (who has also lost her mother) left a gift bag on my apartment door. It was the perfume my mom used to wear when I was a kid. I wear it whenever I need a little extra reminder she is with me. This helped me a little bit maybe it help her too.

Is there a memory or anything about your lost one to share?

My mom was the most devoted Harry Potter fan I have ever met. She and I snuck off from a family vacation in FL and drove to Orlando to go to Harry Potter World. We walked across the park and I realized she wasn’t behind me. She had stopped a few feet from the gate and was just staring up at the Hogsmead sign, crying. It was pure joy. So whenever I go ther or want to remember her I always, always imagine her in this memory to remember her joy, to remember her laughs.

Last Words?

This is the first time I talked about what happened that night. I never shared it with anyone I hope you keep your words about the confidentiality of our stories.

I don’t know how this is going to help your girlfriend but telling my story really helped me. So thank you. I really do feel better for the first time after losing my mom.

I hope she passes this era of her life too.

Vanessa and her Mom, Charlene

Can you share your story, please?

I was in a class in college when they called me out and said there is a family emergency and you need to call your father right away. I called my father and it took 2 minutes to figure out between his crying voice that my mother was gone.

It took 4 hours to get home 4 hours of hell. I remember every minute of it. I still didn’t know what was happened. I finally got home. my father was crying his eyes out. I reached him hugged him and suddenly started to cry. I don’t remember how long we were crying but it was long.

And then talking started. My father’s first sentence was she shot herself. He kept talking but I didn’t a word after this. I was shocked. Why would she? She was one fun lady.

I stayed home for a while but the first couple of days is blurry I actually don’t remember much. but after a week. I started to talk with her friends and colleagues and find out she wasn’t happy anymore. she was always anxious and had had lost her goals.

My father never became the same. he’s sad and his hobby is going through their photo album.

How to go on?

I actually don’t know how you should pass it but I know you will survive. There are people that need you to be alive.

Is there a memory or anything about your lost one to share?

It is hard to pinpoint a single one, but my favorite memories of my mom include laughter. My mom had a way of making the most ordinary things so much fun for everyone. I happen to have a photo that captures my mother’s infectious enthusiasm embodied in her hula-hooping at the farmer’s market when my parents visited me just a little over a year before she died.

Last Words?

Stay strong and live the life your mother wanted for you.

Becky and her Father

Can you share your story, please?

The summer of 2011 will always be defined as the best and worst of my life. Two months after saying “I do” to my husband in a quiet lakeside ceremony, my honeymoon-fueled joy would be turned to indescribable sorrow following my dad’s suicide. I still find it impossible to believe that our father-daughter dance on that warm June night would turn out to be the one of the last times I would ever hear his laugh or joke about our uncanny similarities. I remember sitting around a campfire after our beautiful reception thinking to myself that life could not possibly get any better.

Then, on one sunny August morning, my world collapsed when, upon returning to my desk following a work meeting, I was met with a sea of shocking and confusing messages from friends in my inbox– each bearing the same simple sentiment, “I’m sorry for your loss.” With no further details, I began wonder – “is this some sick new virus?” “Is someone playing a cruel joke?” I frantically called family members to try and dispel my concern. When no one answered, I turned to my small hometown newspaper’s website in a desperate search for answers about what all of these people could possibly know that I didn’t. My worst fears were realized with a slow-loading headline that read my father had been found dead in a local park with the revelation “officials say suicide.”

How to go on?

The will to do so was faint in those first few days, weeks and months. I lost my trust in humanity and society. We cancelled our subscription to that newspaper, but I don’t think I could ever forgive them for their lack of sensitivity or empathy for a grieving family. But, in understanding how painful my dad eventually found life to be, I made a promise to myself that I would fully embrace everything I could in mine and carry on being the best person I could be for him and for others who cannot. Over time, I was amazed that positive things could arise from this unspeakable tragedy – the outpouring of support from those around me, the reminder to take the time to watch a beautiful sunset, the friendship I would find in fellow survivors…

Is there a memory or anything about your lost one to share?

My dad would always think to call me before and after each airline flight to make sure I arrived at my destination safely and was the trusted coordinator of family dinners. In a few words, I could characterize my dad as being my biggest cheerleader, but also a chronic worry wart. If he wasn’t worrying about the chaos of his day in the field of law, he shared concern about the problems of those he dealt with. He worried about the health of his parents as they aged. He worried about our grades and our safety on the roads. If he didn’t have his own problems to worry about, he would take on those of others or even come up with irrational things to worry about

Last Words?

While I wish no one would ever be in a position to relate to my reflections, I hope that you find comfort in what I share. The sting of losing a loved one to suicide will never go away, but I do hope that you can begin to find beauty in life again.

Kimberly and her Mother, Nerissa

Can you share your story, please?

I was 13 years old when my life changed forever. I miss her every day! I’ve found out there is such a thing as a broken heart. I’ve gone through so many different emotions. I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn’t getting over the loss of my mother.

There is not much to say other than she killed herself and left me alone.

How to go on?

I still get nervous talking about her suicide, and I often feel the nerves from others when we talk about suicide — but this is why I want to talk about it! There are things in life that might make us feel super uncomfortable, I’m ready to get over that.

Is there a memory or anything about your lost one to share?

lots of them. but I miss her hugs the most.

Last Words?

I sometimes get angry at her because of leaving me alone you may also be the same but remember she loved you.

Kara and her Brother, Jon

Can you share your story, please?

My dad was changed. It was about a year that we had issues with him but I usually was on his side and it always bugged my brother. He knew I was wrong about him and I just loved my dad and wouldn’t believe anything he was saying about him.

It was almost a month now that we all figured out that everything my brother was telling us about our dad was right. every day there was an argument in our house. One day it hited up and my father slapped my brother. He just looked in his eyes and said nothing. I was crying all along I couldn’t breathe and called my boyfriend he calmed me down and I went to my room. After a while, I heard a gun going off. My brother had shut himself in his room.

I rushed into his room and saw the worst thing someone can see. You can imagine what I saw. anything that comes to your mind is true: splashes of brain, blood. tears on his chick, etc.

At exactly that moment everything changed. I was angry. I hated everybody and I showed it.

It didn’t matter what people told me was right or wrong I would take it as an insult and manage to make it worst and come back at them. I blamed everyone for my loss. I tried really tried to hurt people around me. I avoid the ones who cared the most about me and just hurt them.

But worst of them all I hurt my boyfriend who was just trying to be there for me. I was in pain and couldn’t understand he didn’t know my brother so whatever he was trying to do was just because of me. I don’t know what got into me but in one of our conversations I told him “you killed him”.

That was our last talk and since then there is a neverending pain in my chest. I lost two people.

I came a long way and now I know it wasn’t my fault that my brother killed himself but everything else was my fault.

How to go on?

I can tell you this that it gets easier and the pain of your lost will go away eventually.

Is there a memory or anything about your lost one to share?

Some of the greatest memories I have with him have been at Pearl Jam concerts. There was one time where this couple was extremely drunk and smoking pot behind us. He started to make fun of them but in a suttle way we were laughing so hard that they thought we were high. Thinking back on it now, it’s one of the funniest concert memories I have with him.

Last Words?

If you are on your first phase of losing your loved one have some alone time and think about others too. Remember you lost someone you need to keep others. Don’t make my mistakes.

Maria and her Mother, X

Can you share your story, please?

People keep saying that talking about what happened will help you go through the problem. As you mentioned this will only be for your significant other so I want to give it a try. I have never talked about it to anybody till now.

My father left us when I was 13. We lived in a trailer outside the city. Life was hard but my mother made sure that I continue school. I would go help her with her work after school and we were still going on with life but I could see she was breaking down day by day.

She was only 40 when I become 17. It was the time everybody my age was getting ready for college. I was working as a waitress after school till late at night. It was a busy Saturday night at the restaurant when my aunt called me and said go home go now I’m also on my way meet you there. She never called me so I  knew something bad should have happened but didn’t know what. I rushed home when got there I saw the trailer is burning. I was shocked and couldn’t feel my legs I sat down and watched firemen trying to put it off. I remember thinking if my mom figures out about it she will for sure have a heart attack. I tried calling her but her phone was off so I just sat there waiting for my mom to come but my aunt arrives and hugs me while crying and saying I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m here for you!

I didn’t know what she was sorry for is it the trailer? After putting the fire out one of the firemen came to me and said my condolences that was when it hit me. I ran into the trailer the door was still hot and burned my hand but I didn’t care. There were people around a burned body trying to cover her. I can’t describe it but you can imagine what I saw at that moment.

I literally couldn’t talk for 2 days. I was trying I wanted to talk at her funeral, at her tomb but it was like my tongue wouldn’t move.

After a while, my aunt showed me a message from my mom sending her talking about her plan for burning up the trailer and herself for insurance money. It seems if she was inside the trailer the money would be significant. She planned it for more than a year but did it the night she send the message.

I always imagine how many times she killed herself in her mind during that year. All that times didn’t she think about what will happen to me emotionally?

I’m 36 years old now with a daughter that I have sworn I will never leave alone.

How to go on?

I guess my boyfriend (now husband) was the only thing that helped me go through it. So you can help her.

You don’t need to do any magical thing just be there for her. Let her know you can understand her you see her you know she’s mourning.

Tell her it will get easier.

Is there a memory or anything about your lost one to share?

YES! I was working in the restaurant when suddenly everyone in the restaurant (chef, colleagues and even the customers) started singing a happy birthday song for me while leading me to a table where she was sitting with my favorite homemade birthday cake.

I was happy that night.

Last Words?

Whatever happened make sure you know that it wasn’t your fault. It was her decision.

She loved you. Love her, miss her but start living again.